Every Sunday we gather in church we recite the Lord’s Prayer where we say, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us.” What does it mean to receive and give forgiveness?
We know that giving forgiveness is important, and I believe that we have no problem asking God to forgive us when we say our confession each Sunday. But why it is hard to forgive others, who we believe to have offended us?
I think one main reason why we have such a hard time forgiving others is because we don’t really know what forgiving others really is. We know it is required of us; we know it is a good thing to do, but the truth is that we don’t often stop to think about all the implications involved in forgiving someone. We often think that we are forgiving because there are some people whom we have forgiven. Often we don’t understand the implications of forgiveness for two reasons: one, we have not really understood what scripture says about forgiveness, and more importantly, we haven’t truly experienced the forgiveness of God in our own lives.
What is forgiveness really? Perhaps, we should first look at what it is not before we try to understand what it is. First of all, forgiving others is not justifying other people’s actions. If we have been harmed in the past, and if we need to forgive someone, we don’t have to find a justification or an excuse for another person’s bad behaviour, attitude or sinful nature. Jesus might say about those who crucified him: “Forgive them, Father; for they do not know what they do.” What Jesus said that they didn’t know was God’s purpose. But a great deal of time when people offend us; they know what they are doing. So we need not give them the excuse.
Second, forgiving others is not trusting that the passing of time will make things better. Some of the things may get better as time passes, but not everything will getter better as time passes. You will find that even though you have forgiven, there will be things - names of people, places, or events that can bring the bad memories to life.
Third, forgiving others does not mean that we deny being hurt. It is not saying that it is not a big deal or it is a small matter. If it is no big deal then there is nothing to forgive. We forgive because we have been offended and hurt, but we choose not to get even.
And fourth, forgiving others is not confronting them and trying to demand an apology. It is not saying, “Wait until they say sorry, then I shall forgive.” Forgiveness is not seeking revenge or getting even and causing the other person any special trouble or discomfort.
We have seen what forgiveness is not; now let us see what forgiveness is. In a way, forgiveness is similar to love: and there are so many things we don’t understand about love. First, we must understand that we are commanded by God to forgive. Forgiveness is not an option that we can consider; it is a command from God.
A belief in God is not just a matter being holy and religious. Our belief in God involves how we relate to others. When we come together there is always a possibility of conflict. And if there is a conflict we should seek to resolve it. If we have hurt others we should say sorry. If other people have offended us, we should be able to forgive them. That is what we have been taught. Now, why do we do this? If we know God we must know true forgiveness because God is all about forgiveness. If you have been truly forgiven by God for your many sins, then you will be better able to understand how to forgive others the sins that they have committed against you.
We are also commanded to forgive because forgiveness is all about love. Remember, the two greatest commandments are to love God and to love others. There is no way to forgive without loving, and there is no way to love without forgiving. We are all fallen humans, full of sin, selfishness, and short-sightedness. If we want to stay together in fellowship, then we must learn to forgive. And if you are obeying God’s command to love him and his creation, then you have to know how to forgive.
Thirdly, we are commanded to forgive because God has forgiven us. That is what the parable in Matthew 18: 21-35 is all about. We owe God something we can never pay back in our lifetime. If we know that and truly appreciate God’s grace in forgiving our sin, how can we live with unforgiving spirit? Why would we beat someone up because he owes us ten-dollar, when we have been forgiven a million dollar debt?
The parable teaches us that when God forgives us he forgives not just partially; God forgives us completely and unconditionally. We have to get this to sink into our minds because only forgiven people can forgive others. When we have understood how much we have been forgiven, we can take a first step to forgive others.
Forgiveness must intentional – it is a choice for us to make; it is not just a matter of emotions. What do we mean by that? If you remember about love, the point here is that we can not just love when we feel like it. We have to decide to love. This principle applies for forgiveness as well. If you wait until you feel forgiving towards a person, then you might never forgive in that case. God does not wait until he feels perfectly OK about us before he forgives us. He forgave us while we were still sinners.
Peter learned an important lesson on this point when he asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” How do you forgive the same person seventy-seven times? Not by feelings, I assure you. You do so out of the conviction that God has forgiven you by choice and you respond by choosing to obey God. I am sure that some of you have been offended many times by the same people that you don’t feel like forgiving them anymore. This is when we must pray to God for the strength to forgive them even though we don’t feel like it. It may be easier to forgive a person who comes to you and beg for forgiveness. But when it comes to forgiving people who don’t deserve it, it is hard: you need the Holy Spirit to help you to do it.
The next point that we need to understand is that we are to love and forgive people for who they are, not for what they do. It is much easier to forgive a friend or a member of our families. But it is a lot harder to forgive someone who is truly detestable or people who have hurt us so much. But this is where we must remember what forgiveness is about. We are not forgiving the person for what he did, but for who he is: a human being created by God. Furthermore, we are acknowledging that they are humans, and are therefore just like us: fallen, sinful, and imperfect. It may help us also to remember that whenever we have a conflict, it is not always the fault of the other person. Sometimes we are the one at fault. We don’t love people because they are good, but because they are also people like us.
The same is true about God’s forgiveness for us. Jesus did not die on the cross for good people. He died on the cross for sinners. The person in your life who you need to forgive most is the one who you are having the most trouble forgiving, for they no doubt have the greatest debt against you. We are commanded to make a conscious effort to forgive all those who have wronged us, whether we feel like it or not and whether they deserve it or not. You know what that means: it means that forgiveness is hard to do.
Third, learning to forgive does not come naturally: it comes from growing in understanding and maturity as a Christian. It’s not always easy to forgive the unforgivable person, which is why we need to see them with the eyes of God. That is why we must learn to obey the leading of the Holy Spirit as it makes us into what we are called to be.
Now, forgiveness does not only benefit the person we forgive. We who forgive also benefit from it. You can not truly be happy in your life, nor can you be content in your relationship with God if you are carrying a grudge. Sometimes when we do our work, splinters or thorns do get into the skins of our hands; and very often we try to remove them as fast as possible. If the splinter is allowed to remain there, it will cause more pain. When we hold a grudge, it is like allowing the splinter to remain in your hand as a memory of what the other person have done to you, and you alone are the one suffering the pain. When we forgive others we bring freedom to our own lives by removing the burden that we are carrying around.
Remember that forgiveness is a choice that only you can make. When you forgive you let go or release the grudge. The Bible does not give us step by step procedure to forgive a person but you can read some self-help books to guide you on what to do. Sometimes they tell us all kinds of silly actions that can help us to express our emotions and state our pain and allow us to reach for peace. The point is, do whatever it takes to release them because this is too important to just let it sit. This process of setting someone free, of releasing them; it is key step to the freedom that God wants you to experience in forgiveness.
When you fully release a person; you are not taking revenge and repaying a wrong with a wrong, a sin with a sin, or a hurt with a hurt. I know we all like to take revenge and get even. But remember that when we release someone we are also releasing the “right” to revenge. Revenge is not our job. It is God’s business.
Now, when we have release the offender we are ready to recognize God’s role in forgiving others. When we trust God enough to release the person and actually make the choice to forgive our enemy, God joins us in the process. Unfortunately, God does not move in first and make it easier for us to forgive another person. I wish He would do that, but he does not do that. He still requires me to exercise my free will and make a choice. The reason is that when you take the first steps to forgive like God forgives, then you are opening the doors between yourself and God. You are demonstrating the power of God working in your life which frees you from a life time of grudge and suffering, and moving toward a life of freedom and peace.
Now one more important point before I conclude: it is about forgiveness and reconciliation. Now before you start advising people to forgive and be reconciled, I want to remind you that the two are not the same. If you Romans 12: 18, there it says this: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
When Paul gives us the little phrase “If it is possible…” it is to remind us that God gives us the choice and the judgment to make our own decisions. You get to use your own wisdom and discernment to decide.
There are times when a relationship cannot be reconciled, and should not be reconciled. I shall give you a few examples. If the re-establishment of relationship is going to lead to additional personal harm, it is best that you don’t try to re-establish the relationship. For example, if your business partner has cheated you, and you forgive him, don’t try to start another business with him; he may hurt you again. Yes, you can still be friends, but avoid restarting the relationship that can hurt you again. Sometimes forgiveness simply means to let go, move on and start anew.
Secondly, don’t re-establish the relationship if you expect an apology, or repayment, or have any expectation of what the other person should do. If we have a set of expectations, then we have not released the person, and reconciliation is only going to cause new harm in the relationship. If you expect an apology, don’t talk about being reconciled.
Thirdly, don’t re-establish the relationship if there is little chance of restoration. If you are dealing in case where a wife has been abused repeatedly by the husband, it is wise to advise the wife to forgive, but it may not be wise to tell her to go back to him, when you know she is going to be abused again. Ideally, forgiveness should end up with reconciliation, but it does not have to be that way all the time.
Forgiveness is also a process. You are going to go through this process for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, we will be hurt, neglected, and abused at different times in our lives. So in order to live a life with real freedom we will be exposed to harmful people situations. The only other choice is to stay away from people and find safe place, and to live as a prisoner within our emotions. It will be a life that protects us from pain; however, it also limits our opportunities for joy and happiness as well.
This is a big issue. God desires what’s best for you. And God says that the only way that you can experience the best things in life is to forgive others. And it is a choice that you and I have to make. We can choose to forgive and let go and can find peace with God and with others; we can find health, joy and love. On the other hand, we can choose to hold on to our grudges, to hold on to our desire for revenge, and let bitterness run wild in our lives. The choice is up to us.
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